On this week’s post I want to share something a little more personal. This past week we met with a fertility specialist after over 2 years of trying to conceive unsuccessfully. We received the diagnosis that every couple in our shoes dreads; unexplained infertility .This basically means that the doctors don’t have an answer for why you can’t get pregnant.
Hearing those words felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I lost the ability to breathe and for a moment the room faded out of focus. This was the news I had been dreading all along and quite frankly, was the biggest reason I had put off going to a specialist for so long. Deep in my heart I knew that this was what we would be told.
Emotions and Feelings:
I won’t lie, a part of me felt anger and a sense of betrayal. My own body had betrayed me! Biologically this is the one thing that women were made to do (create life), and not being able to makes me feel like a failure as a woman. This is something I have struggled with month after month. There was nothing I wanted more in the world than the magic of a surprise pregnancy. Something that appeared to be so easy for so many of our friends and family, was out of our reach. I can’t begin to tell you all the ways I had envisioned telling my husband and our loved ones the great news, only to be disappointed. This became a recurring pattern unfortunately.
For so long all I wanted was an answer because not knowing was killing me. But test after test came back that we were perfectly healthy. I am so sick of being told how healthy we are and if we will just relax nature will take it’s course. Trying to forget about something we’ve wanted and planned for, for so long is next to impossible. And for those of you in the same boat, you know what I’m talking about.
The diagnosis of unexplained infertility is worse than being given an actual reason. At least having a reason means there are potential solutions to the problem. If you don’t know the problem you can’t fix it. There is nothing worse than being told nobody knows what’s wrong with you. This only creates more feelings of doubt and inadequacy. I can’t begin to fathom why this happens to some of us and not to others.
The doctor gave us three options, complete with a graph and percentages, which really spoke to the hubs.
- We can continue to try naturally knowing that there is only a 2% chance versus the normal 12-15% chance for healthy couples.
- We can take the route of pills/shots/IUI or a combination of the three. If we do all three our chances increase to approximately 18%. Doing any less our chances decrease to a range of 8-12%.
- We can take the route I personally was dreading – IVF. To me this is the most artificial way to conceive. There is nothing wrong with taking this route, I know several couples who have conceived this way and went on to have healthy pregnancies and babies. But we one, don’t have the money for that and two, want to stay as natural as absolutely possible.
Hearing that our chances to conceive naturally are now at only 2% had me wondering if this is in the cards for us. If it were up to me and wouldn’t crush my husband I could maybe learn to be ok without children. A life full of fur babies and travel doesn’t sound so bad when you think about it! And to be perfectly honest, I can’t say I haven’t grown accustomed to the freedom we currently have. But he is truly amazing with other people’s children, and this isn’t something I can deprive him of. Not to mention I think I would always feel that pain deep in my heart if we never have a child of our own.
I don’t yet know what’s in store for us. Only God knows. I just pray that whatever we choose, that we have the strength to endure it. He only gives us what we can handle after all so maybe this is a testament to our character.
I wanted to share this story so that if there is anyone else out there struggling with conceiving you know that you aren’t alone. No part of this is easy but as I’m finding out, at least there are options.